The journey...

 It all started with a word....then it expanded into a sentence... and before you know it... u have the drive.. to read everything...careful to create  the music so beautiful...that u wanna cry...in a  passion so desirable.....which reels in love....BUT WHAT is love without understanding? What is love without knowing how it all works? love is not enough to stand on itz own....and so..the quest to understand becomes an aim....to drive one into a journey..a journey  of unrevealing that passion and love has meaning..and the meaning counts....

IT was my birthday when the journey started... like everything unknown...the heart pumped erratically...questions..uncertainty..fear..played into one's mind....questions formed in the mind which made one wonder whether it was the right decision....but then.... there was no looking back...looking ahead was what was decided....no matter what...

How do u learn when the language being learned is taught in a language one is not very well conversed in? Arabic is one of the 5 most difficult languages in the world (says one of my tutors at uni) and learning it from a turkish language was one of the scariest thing ever! i often asked myself... will i ever be able to pull it off? and at this age? i felt that i was too old to start learning again....


There were days when i wanted to quit... there were many many mornings where i studied for hours for the simplest things.... and i realized my memorization of the vocab is poor... i worked/work hard to memorize everything..all to no avail... i made sentences..some which made my teacher frowned...or maybe laughed...in panic...i lost the faculty to say even the simplest words.... but hardwork does pay off... i am far from good.. i am still trying to memorize the verbs and words and the grammar i had learned these 2 semesters... i am still bugging my teacher with my messages and phone calls... and i am looking forward to continuing my lessons next academic year...

What i learned is this..... i am lucky coz i have  a strong support system... i have a sweet teacher who is very patient in answering my at times nonsensical questions.... i have classmates who would help me with no questions asked...... i have a family who endured not having ironed  clothes at times.... so i have no excuse to not persevere.... and even now...as the meaning slowly makes sense... as the structure of words become clearer....  i will try to apply my syntax analysis skills learned in TESL in a language soooo fascinating that i think not learning it is a total waste of time..... my only enemy is time..time os of the essense that i am finding it difficult to study as my time is monopolized  by my responsibilities as a mother..a wife...a friend... a muslim....somehow...the responsibilites as a student simply take a back seat....whether i likes it or not...

Arabic is indeed worth crying and sweating over.... and insyaAllah in a few years time.. my vocabulary will strengthen to the level i dream of........


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B-fit

I remember the day clearly...It was the 14th of February..People in general were celebrating Valentine's day.... but i had other celebrations of my own...... that was the day my parents were to fly for umrah..it was also the day when i started my quest for fitness (AGAın!)..

I felt this time it would be different... i vowed that this time it would be different (insyaAllah)... before i registered at b-fit...i was weighing down the options between once a week of swimming at okyanus sports centre or 6 days of constant workout the B-fit system...as much as i love swimming...the latter sounded much more logical...logistically and healthwise... 6 times a week would mean a consistency of torture to the body i had neglected for so long....was i up to it? i personally doubted it...

I was right.. pure torture was what my body had endured... ..my legs most affected...i could barely walk properly for a month.... but i knew perseverence would eventually paid off.... and it did... the beginning of the second month  saw me no longer limping ....

The b-fit system is simple really... 10 equipments... one equipment alternating with one workout...3 rounds which equals to 30 minutes of working out each parts of the body.. of course a trainer is always there to show different workouts to be done after each equipment workout... and then.. 5 to 10 minutes of cooling down activities in  another room....not very difficult actually..simple but affective...

But being the overly dedicated person to the cause i vowed.... i normally spend another 30 minutes  in the cooling down exercise room.... doing different styles of sit ups a day... around 400 sit ups... plus other workouts... concentrating more on the tummy section...and trust me... they hurt totally the first month...

I only lost 0.2 kg the first month.... but my body was showing signs of fitness as fat turned into muscles.. and the body  get used to the pressure of sit ups  and workouts everyday......Alone... it would have been difficult....how do you motivate yourself to exercise that much everyday on your own??? I know i couldnt....that was why the novelty of walking in the park for one hour and a half which i used to do and worked wore off after a year.... This time...i have emotional support one way or another....

It is wonderful to be able to greet and chat with yıldız abla and emine abla every mornings from mondays to wednesdays and saturdays.... It is also wonderful to meet new people on thursdays and fridays when i could not come in the mornings due to my arabic classes...most of them are much older than i.. most of them very friendly and so sweet... that their chats and encouragements seem to light up the   heart.. no matter how terrible the days might be... the trainers are also there to show support... i realize that what may sustain me here is not only the vow i made to myself... but also the people who came there...who have the common goal as i... that is to be fit....

In 2 months time.... i have lost 2kg...the fat in my body burned 2.1kg..the water level however increased by 2.1....my muscles also increased by 1.2...

physically....in centimetres (cm).. my breasts got smaller by 5cm.....my waist got smaller by 11cm.. my tummy flattened by 12cm...my totally big butt is also 7cm less..my thighs now less 3 and 4 cm...

The number of decrease is not much for the total work i had put into....but then..i do not starve myself... i still enjoy my food....i do not live like a goat and attack salads as the main menu...

My aim is not fast weight lost.. my aim is to be fit and yet still enjoy my food...my body is starting to have shape.... i no longer bloat like a 6 months pregnant woman... yes,  i am an obese... Yes.. i am looking forward to being just fat... But i also know that i am the fittest i have ever been for so long...it shows coz i am no longer huffing and puffing when walking next to my beloved in the park...

It is only two months....i have a long way to go....yet, i am positive....coz i am not doing it alone this time....and when the very straightforward yıldız abla say *simah, zayiflamışsın*.. i know she means it coz she is not one to mince with words.... and she like many others at b-fit will always be there to give as much encouragement as i need.. and that makes All the difference in the world!





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The call of the Heart...

What would you do when you are all alone on the street.. 

3 months old…without a mother..hungry…sick

 and yet knowing that without help…..you would not survive the winter?

What would you say to the people who gave you food??

…how do you show your appreciation….only to apologize because you are  unable to eat …

as you needed a different kind of food..the kind your own mother could only provide….but her death left you undernourished and sick?

Life…

.undernourished and without protection looked bleaked..that you opened your heart to death ..

Willingly welcoming….begging it to come soon???

And how do you tell people….

*please…do not separate me from my mother* when you are only a few days old??

How do you explain to them that you deserve a mother’s love like anyone else????

What is a few days old baby supposed to do…being caged…

while praying for a kind hand…

…calling for a mother you barely knew???

It is the first hands that  picked you up that you never forget…

The feel of the hands  that translated to the love you seek…

Coz you know that when there is love… there is care and protection….

And so you grow…..

With each stage of life….you change….

From cuteness to curiosity…

From curiosity…to the rebellious soul of a teenager…

And later..

 the mellowness of the adulthood….

You wish that….

 people would stop judging you from what they barely see…

You wish that….

People would stop dwelling in their preconcieved judgement….

You wish that…

People would open their heart to love you…..

 And let not fear overrule their hearts….

And that…

You too change as life does….

And  that…

 The hands that picked you up have shown you love…

And that love is what you are capable now….

 And to  love and be loved is what you seek…

It is..

As Simple…As THAT…

and yet…

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Summer Thoughts...

I am sad...

not really the sad...teary kind of sad... just sad....

 to say farewell to the zaim family's summer house sapanca pool.....sad that till next summer... i wont be able to swim again... sad because... spending a month at the pool....training and swimming (my record this year..150 trips -to n fro counted as one trip)... ..i was  at my happiest time... coz no matter how tired i was...once i was in the pool..swimming at my own pace... i was in a world of my own...a world i was at the happiest.....a world only i can understand coz that is where my passion lies....and sad...coz...i cant afford to go to  ladies sports center to swim. in istanbul as the  prices r....

But i am not complaining.... sadness comes from the need to say farewell...sadness comes from the knowledge that  the body has improved a lot of  itz stamina and toned the necessary parts ..n will it go away now??? though sadness is comforted by the knowledge that despite having to say goodbye to the pool... there is always the walk at the park or a run or two somewhere... ...

In fact.. i am thankful to Allah for giving me this opportunity to swim at my heart's content...... for blessing me with all that i am blessed with...for  the chance to swim.... for everything...

in fact, i think this summer has been a dream come true....we started with the weekend gateaway trip at kuşadası....where we were acquainted with the cold...wavy..and later clear n beautiful sea......we were also blessed with a dream adventurous trip where we went to samsun...rize..gurcistan (georgia)... trabzon and amasya for a karadeniz trip which took our breath away.....i had dreamed of such a karadeniz trip for yearsss...

 we had also spent more than a month in total at sapanca house.... playing with the cats....esp fifi and puffy n fındık which we miss sooo much.....swimming and doing what we do all the time at the sapanca house.... and did i tell you that we swam after midnight till about 2 am during Ramadhan?? ......

a night gateaway to akçakoça was refreshing indeed....with Allah granted us a sea almost with no wave one day just like swimming in a pool.. and the best big waves ever the next day that we jumped n screamed ourselves in total delight...and tomorrow... from one karadeniz sea end..we will say au revoir to this dangerous sea at the other end......iğneada....

Like i say...i am blessed.. so being sad coz of the pool is like a spoilt brat pouting  for no reason..no..i am not pouting... i am not thankless... i am thankful..and yet...being the human that i am... having to say goodbye to something i am very passionate about is just a part that i err...so forgive this mumbling heart...


I dream of a house of our own...a four bedroom house with a garden for the cats to freely roam and a closed pool for me to swim in everyday... i may not get it in this life...but a girl can dream, right???


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Her beautiful dream...

There we were......at the airport...her malaysian grandma (Tok wan annaanne)..her malaysian grandpa (atuk dede)... her late turkish grandma (babaanne).... her late turkish grandpa (dede)...my beloved, my son, myself n of course...she...the dreamer aka..my beloved daughter....

We were all at the airport... her atuk dede talking in english with her dede... her tokwan annaanne complimenting her babaanne's beautiful coat where her babaanne later gave the coat to her annaanne....

We were all at the airport..waiting to go to umrah together....but there was no tickets!! And out of the blue...my beloved's friend invited us all to go to Mecca with his private jet!!! The jet stopped on top of the Kaabah and as we all were falling down...a white bird were tugging at her babaanne's skirt!....her dede and atuk dede fell near the hajratul aswad while her annaanee and babaaanee fell at the beginning of the tawaf.. (Golden..something something)...and our family fell somewhere outside the kaabah area...

As we were walking towards the kaabah... baddin happily running towards us and said... *abla (sister)... i found these three stones in 3 minutes and 25 seconds!*... yup.. that sounded like baddin... he loves stones and he always count the minutes!! hahaha.... and as we reached the entry towards kaabah.... she heard someone said..*hatice...wake up!! school time!!*

ouch!!...

When the soul is untouched...the dreams can be very beautiful indeed... i couldnt help but have tears falling from my eyes....to hear of her grandpas n grandmas reunited......for all of us to go to the land we all miss so much...for in real life... i still dunno when i can send my own parents there for real....does this mean that the green pass is on for my parents one day soon? I remember when my beloved and i were in uncertainty of whether we could visit the holy land a few years back.... and Allah had sent the sign thru my daughter..though only on the last day before we leave the holy land i was told of her dream.....

I dream a dream...and her dream is indeed as beautiful as it can be...may it be true...aminnnnnnn



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The road leading home....

The road leading home was led....

When i was in Malaysia, the radio kept playing the song by p.diddy and dunno what her name is... singing*i'm coming home..tell the world i'm coming home*....It felt so appropriate at that moment....And i sang to the tune much to the dismay of my lil bro hehehehe...

It was a road unplanned. With plans turned chaotic, Malaysia was not even in the agenda...But *Be* it was written and be it was... and so on that 6th of last month, as a family, we headed to Bangkok...where we stayed at Anantara hotel bangkok and had a rushed day there....8th was the day when homeland was within gasp..and my feet touched the ground i so longed to see...the faces i had dreamt of seeing...

It was funny how easy it was to switch to the northern dialect once i was there... 3 years of lack of practice did nothing to delay the adaptation of the tongue to the natural surrounding.....

What was there to tell? 10 total days of rush....of extreme heat....of those sleepless nights as we waited for love ones living in KL to reach my parents' place.... of the odd morning hours where i accompanied my lil bro to pick my younger siblings... who came all the way from the southern states to see us....of a one bedroom house cramped with so many people....of the stolen moments where we went to langkawi and had a wonderous stay swimming in the sea at the gorgeous Danna hotel? Of the times when my beloved was kidnapped by my elder bro for an hour or two... and where they always came back with things my bro think/know i like? Yet, except for a niece and a sister in law, in that short days, we still could manage to see and spend time with almost all of the family members... something i am truly grateful of... for time too short was still enough to save in enough memories and pics of those moments till the day the road leading home is on again....

I remember that 16th when my mom shed her tears of goodbye... i do hope this is not the end of too long... for the heart... when i allow it to feel.... do bleed from longing....I do miss them so...very much....

Salam Ramadhan everyone!!




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The inner web...

People say *beggars cant be choosers*...oh..i know that feeling very well... every year at a very certain time of the year that feeling comes in..overwhelming the heart...tarnishing the honor...chip by chip...but thinking of the future....one simply has to swallow one's pride and keep on taking the silent beating....

This time....it was a promise.. made by a supposedly respective big company... unfulfilled for at least 2 years....and the moment they made the effort to sort of fulfilling that promise...this???...where is the integrity? where is the honor? where is the respect.... even though i silently agree with my beloved... i cant help but to hope...only those in my shoes would have been able to understand the need... this desire....it is not in my hands...

there was hope..then it was squashed away... i stopped hoping... then it was that.. and then the hope reappereared..and so close i am indeed to realizing that dream..only to be squashed down flat again...? hmm..

I think life is really interesting at this time...i am at a roller coaster of emotions where happiness can turn into missing..missing can turn into sadness and sadness can turn into confusion and then again happiness and the circle continues on....that if i look at things as the whole perspective, it will be interesting to see of where it will all end up...

I am at a stage of my life where i can finally understand the true depth of *tawakkal*...I am also at a stage where once my emotions are calmed down for a bit.. i truly believe *everything happens for a reason*.. I am not the type to give up..i fight for whatever i believe in... that if in that fight i lose..i can truly say that *the fault was not mine*... but that doesnt change the fact that i am human... i still need to shed a few of my pearly drops when it hurts... i still need a hug when i feel life isnt fair... i still hope even though the path ahead seems impossible....

For now... in reality.. as i am typing this... i have this one feline daughter who gives me that look saying i wanna go out and walk on the green grass... she gave enough hints already.. she even waited in front of the lift and then tried to open the door (as if she could heheheh)... but i gotta feed her human dad breakfast first.... my dream may not be realised... that is indeed not an excuse not to let others ..in this case my feline pakize to have her fill of happiness for the day,eh?

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